Merry Christmas from our family

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, y'all! Lots of stuff going down in 2014. As a last look at 2013, here's some tweets (and some slightly-longer-than-tweets) I wrote about our family over the past year. May your own year be as abundant in toddler toots.

 

THE HUSBAND AND ME

Setting up a nativity set.
Me: I can't find baby Jesus.
The Husband: Have you looked in your heart?

Friend: There is no "i" in team.
The Husband: But there is a great deal of meat.

Me (sick): My body's telling me that I really need to rest.
The Husband: My body's telling me that I need to go see a movie.

The Husband just walked in with a metal bar across his shoulders, swings attached to each end, and a child swinging from each swing. (not the toddlers, the older kids)

On realizing two of our friends are textbook hipsters:
Me: I wonder what we are.
The Husband: probably Affable Weirdos.

Me: I'm going to see the Little, Brown people when I'm in New York.
Husband: Yes, it is a diverse city.
#publishinghumor

I'm so lucky to have the kind of husband who I can email "what would an evil character name a pet rat?" and get 10 excellent names in return.

The Husband's name ideas for an evil rat: Scapula, Scrapple, First Lieutenant Skittery Boo, Holland Oats, Third Try, Bubonick, Marrow, and Steve

Tonight The Husband and I slow-danced, a 2yo on each of our shoulders. Appropriately, the song: "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"

Each evening I make plans to do X,Y, and Z after the kids go to bed. But by the time everyone's down, all I can manage is Zzz...

Me: It is hard, you know, when you love something and work so hard and yet some people hate it.
My dad: Tell 'em to shove it.
#advice

Just wrote about my villain, "She had such beautiful, beautiful pans." I meant "plans," but now want to have her obsessed with pans.

One of the most alarming things about being a parent is realizing our parents must have been faking it too.

One of my favorite things about young children: when we're walking, if I put my hand out, they'll hold it.

No, Mama won't stop cleaning the kitchen to hold you while you're eating a lollipop you stole from your sister's room. That would defeat the reason I pretended not to notice.

My 2yo was just sitting with her butt in the air 6 inches from my face and tooted epically loud. #preciousmoments #childrenareourfuture


THE KIDDOS

9yo yells at 6yo: "Just because I fell asleep for a second means you have to put your foot in my mouth?"

9yo to toddler: "No thanks, I'm not going to eat this chewed up meat you just spit into my hand."

There was a bowed swoop of clouds in the sky. My 9yo said, "look, it's an albino rainbow."

6yo was supposed to be getting into bed. Missing. Finally found her in the dryer. Opened the door. She said "meow"

All the toilet paper rolls in the house mysteriously disappeared. I discovered them stacked in my 6yo's room, used for bowling pins.

My 6yo: I almost didn't recognize you because you look fat in that shirt.
Me: do you mean majestic?
Her: no.

My 6yo making colored glue paintings: "The ones that are mistakes are beautifuler than the real ones!"

My 6yo just gave her plush cat a haircut so the cat would have a hairball to cough up

In my room writing. Kids out there with sitter. Little 6yo hand just pushed a ziploc bag full of water under my door. There are three dandelions inside. I think she's giving me an under-the-door version of a vase of flowers.

My 6yo screams from the other room: "Everybody in the whole wide world knows how to draw a werewolf except me!"

Today my 6-year-old held up a square of rubber and asked, “What is this?”
“A hot pad,” I said.
She scowled at it and then dropped it on the floor. She stood on it and jumped, and scowled again, unsatisfied. She held it up and inspected it, confused.
“You can put the hot pad in the kitchen,” I said, thinking she was wondering what to do with it.
“Oh,” she said, “I thought you said hop-pad.”

My toddlers are a heartwarming example of cooperation. Together, they can pull the freezer drawer open and then toss out all the contents.

2yo holds up knife and fork and slowly advances toward her dad: "Don't be scared, Papa. Don't be scared your face. I saw you soft."

Me: ok we should go
2yo: no we should didn't

My toddlers use screaming like an octopus uses ink.

Toddler friend has arrived to play with my 2yos. They're greeting her with repeated "Hi little poopy head." I'm so proud.

Me: Come here, love.
2yo: I'm not a love!
Me: I call you that because I love you.
2yo *considers*: Ok, I'm a love.

My toddler has turned flailing into a martial art.

2yo, stomping, with hands in fists: "I'm a MAD princess!"

My 2yos have begun giving each other permission to do as they please. "You don't wanna go night-night? It's okay, you don't have to."

On a walk, my 2yo: "Aw, the trees love me."

Me: Don't kick your sister.
2yo: I didn't kick her! I petted her with my feet.

Early this morning, Dinah climbed onto my bed, stuck an adhesive eyeball to my cheek, and said, "Surprise! You are going to school."
Kids invented surreal.

My 3yo started to cry.
Me: What's the matter?
3yo: I toot and it smells really stinky.

My toddler twins, standing in front of the mirror:
"That one's you and that one's me."
"No that one's me and that one's you."

This morning as I got my 3yo out of bed, she declared, "Mama, today I am going to grow bigger."

3yo: "I'm going to turn into a princess now."
Clenches fists, whole body trembles, screams as if in metamorphic pain.

3yo just announced, "Somebody peed in my pants."
Sure enough, they were wet. Who would do such a thing?!

Toddler girls in ballet costumes. Spinning, lurching, stomping. Never have they looked more like little ogres.

Leaving the room, my 3yo said, "I gotta bounce," and then she literally bounced away.

Comments

[Heather Hoyt]

This makes me want to have more babies quite a lot.

[~B~]

This made my day. :-)

[Rachel]

Thanks for making me laugh! Happy holidays!

[Kate Birch]

I'm more than a little in love with your family!

[Merisa]

Laughed so hard, I cried. At work.

[Kathryn Cooper]

Thanks for the laughs! I relate to the 'fat in that shirt' comment. Preface: I have a 6 month old baby. After kicking my stomach on accident my 5 yr old asked, "Mommy, do you still have a big belly?" I'm just glad he said that in question form so I could answer... NO! LOL kids.

[Janeil Jones]

So funny! Merry Christmas, Shannon!

[TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras]

Oh, this brings back many memories of when I had toddler twins....especially the freezer emptying and octopus ink screaming. :) Love it. Merry Christmas!

[Natasha]

Thanks so much for the laugh. I'm sick and working on college essays (on The Goose Girl, actually), and this really made me feel better.

[Sheri]

Thank you so much! this was dear and welcome. Happy new year to you and your wonderful family!

[Heather]

I am literally wiping away tears (of laughter of course)! And thank you for spelling the word "y'all" correctly. I'm from the south, but you wouldn't believe how many southerners can't spell it right. It's a wonderful, useful contraction that deserves better. Happy New Year!

[Amanda]

Love these, thanks for sharing your family with much laughter.

[Meredith B.]

I pray that someday I find someone to love and we get married and we have children who make me laugh until I cry, just like yours do. :-)

[JoLee]

So incredibly funny. It makes me think I should be on Twitter.

[Angie]

I see where you get your sense of humor from.