Writing and mother: how I (sort of) do both

One of the most common questions I get: How do you find time to write and be a mother? I've written twice about this, when I had one kid and again when I had two. I reread what I wrote there and find everything is still relevant. But I want to add, because now I have four small children, ages 2 1/2 - 9, and life is very tricky. Even if I wasn't a writer and didn't work outside the home, having two school-aged kids and two toddlers makes for a tricky, tricky day. So how do I manage to do both?

I need help. Before, I could manage to find sporadic writing time here and there. When I had one child who napped, nap time was writing time, without fail. By the time I had 5 published books and two non-napping children, I realized this writing thing was technically a career and I didn't have to be a martyr and I could give myself permission to get help. Originally I had a sitter that came over 9 house/week. This past year, it's up to 17 hours/week. And it's not enough to do all I could/should do. But it has to be. Because I don't want to have a full-time nanny even if that was feasible. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. And I don't want writing to take over my evening-husband time or my weekend-family time. So my sitter has saved me. And for the most part, I seem to be writing as much as my non-parent full-time-writer friends even though I have a part time schedule. I think I've learned how to make the minutes count.

The balance is insane. I constantly have to check myself, make sure I'm making enough time for my kids and making that time count, make sure I'm not letting unnecessary things encroach on my writing time. I constantly have to remind myself that I have to say no, no, and no, again and again, to the many requests and pleas and invites I get. I feel guilty constantly. I get angry emails. I disappoint friends and extended family. I'm accused of not giving back enough. Sometimes I think only other writers understand how hard you have to fight to keep your writing time.

I can write. I can mother. And that's it. As a writer and a mother of two children, I thought I didn't have any spare time. And then we added twins to our family, and I wondered what I used to do with all that spare time. I cannot give up my writing. I would go insane. I would be the woman staring at the yellow wallpaper. So we've figured it out. I'm lucky that my husband has always been the primary wage earner, so I haven't had that stress. Still, there's a lot I've given up to keep writing and keep being a stay-at-home mom. Like social anything. Lots of book publicity. Networking opportunities. Hobbies. Yard work. Housework. Driving my kids to lots of classes and activities. Sports and interests and some friends and loads of potential friends and just about anything you can name. I've had to sacrifice it in order to keep writing and yet still have heaps of time for my family. I am not capable of doing it all, whatever it is. Not everyone can or is willing to live the kind of life being a writer mom demands, and I respect that absolutely. But those two things mean everything to me, and that's how I keep going.

I take a day of rest. I usually don't write on Saturdays and I never write on Sundays. I need a day of rest. I go to church, spend computer-free time with my family, visit relatives, read, cook, relax (as much as one can relax with four small children), try to do good works. I think this day is an important day. The demands of my story are always there, nipping at my ankles whenever I leave my computer to do my mom stuff. It's a little exhausting. So having a day where I tell myself, "No writing today" is good for me, a way to turn off. 'Cause the rest of the week I'm obsessive.

Writing is not a hobby. I've talked about this before. Writing is not safe, comforting, something you can pick up now and again like that pretty cross-stitch pattern you've always wanted to finish. It's demanding. Writing a book is like adopting a child. She can't be neglected. You can't leave her home like a pet when you go out--the story goes with you everywhere. She needs lots of attention. Attention you want to give. But treating novel writing like any other hobby would leave me unfulfilled, frustrated, and novel-less.

I just can't stress enough: to make something as demanding as writing work while also immersed in something as demanding as full-time parenting, I have to be so committed. Ruthlessly committed. Willing to sacrifice all other distractions. Since adding our twins, I eat less. I shower less, do my hair less, rarely wear makeup. I read less. I don't go to plays like I used to or keep up with penpals or take care of chores and errands in a timely manner. I weed less and cook less and do all those other things that used to feel like non-negotiables a lot less, because these two little cuties demand more of my time, and I have to find other things to cut out of my life in order to save my writing. I'm brutal about it. And I'm hardcore.

I know it's the right thing for me. I would be so unhappy if I didn't get to write. Being the primary care giver to four small children takes a lot of focus and energy and is exquisitely rewarding in its own way, but it doesn't always use my mind or creativity the way I need. As well, I'm addicted to progress and completion. Motherhood never ends. Books do. I need those page and draft and book completion milestones to help me measure my productivity and feel like a useful human being. Writing helps me be a better mother, helps me relax and enjoy the mothering moments more. When mama's happy, everyone's happy. I know some judge me for my choices, and by no means do I think my choices are right for everyone. But I couldn't do what I do if I wasn't absolutely sure it was the right choice for me.

Writing is one thing; publishing another. The more books I have published, the more business and publicity demands on my time, and the less time I have for writing. That's one reason when I meet writers who are asking me about how to get published before they've even completed one book, I tell them, please, slow down, concentrate on your craft. Do not hurry this. You won't be able to depend on publishing as a primary income for a long time (I still don't), so there's no reason to hurry it. Do not worry more about that other stuff than about how to tell the best story you can. And all of that is a lot a lot a lot harder as a mom. Writer dads I know who aren't the primary care giver have a different situation. They can go off when they have a deadline to a hotel for a few weeks and write, or they work from morning to night for weeks on end and their wife picks up the slack. But I'm the primary care giver, and I don't have that luxury. I don't want it. But figuring out how to do both is stressful. Meeting deadlines, keeping up with daily word counts, juggling one draft at the same time as the copy edits come in for another book and they need it back in a week and there are publicity requests and emails and a sick baby and homework and a school recital and no one but me can do it all. Certain mother tasks cannot be hired out. And none of my writing tasks can be. So it's stressful. And I would say, if you'd be just as happy knitting and mothering or scrapbooking and mothering as writing and mothering, then by all means, do those instead.

But if you can't, then you know who you are and what you need to do.

I don't think anyone should feel like they need to write. But if you are one of the unfortunates haunted by the need, and if you haven't found a good writing routine yet, let me recommend an experiment. And this goes for whatever your passion is, not just writing. Art, music, gardening, cooking, sewing, crafting, getting that degree, starting an animal shelter, whatever. Starting tomorrow, for one week turn off your internet and TV. All week. Scary? No smart phone except for phone calls. No watching movies or shows or clips. No internet at all except--time yourself--10 minutes/day for email and then cut yourself off. Without those time fillers, reexamine your week. How much free time do you have that you didn't think you did? How can you use it? Be brutal. Be hardcore. Start taking your passion seriously. Do it today.

Comments

[Laurie]

This makes a lot of sense to me! I was wondering if you write at home or elsewhere when the babysitter comes over? I imagine it would have a lot of distractions if you were just a few doorways away from the kids.

I may just try your experiment - my obsession is sewing and I have felt frustrated with my lack of time to devote to it.

[Michelle Forstrom]

Excellent advice. Though it does make me scared to death to write and have it take over my world. I really appreciate your honesty. The bottom line is that it is hard. Period. And you have to be disciplined. Keep it up girl, you're an inspiration to us. :)

[Lisa Wagner]

So good. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. I loved Austenland! My favorite book of yours, though, is The Actor and the Housewife. I recommend it a lot. I will have to get some of your young adult books for my daughters. Thank you for being true to your calling!

[Lindsay]

Thanks for the tough honesty: "How do I do it? Well, I work hard. Really hard. And I sacrifice stuff."

I think I needed to hear this today. There isn't a substitute for hard work and for dedicating your full time and attention to something, even if only for an hour at a time. No "I'm stuck on this sentence so I'm going to click over to check my email real quick."

You are good at what you do. I don't know yet if there is a novel writer somewhere inside of me, but I do know that I need to find something to devote myself to. Because even though I love being at home with my sweet baby, try as I might, I can't give her all of myself--in fact, I feel like I'm giving her less of myself--because I'm not bettering myself by feeding my passions.

Priorities and passion. I'm going to work on that. Today.

[Emily's Reading Room]

I can SO relate to this. I work full time and am finally going back to school to finish my BA degree before I'm 30, plus being a mom to a 3 year-old. I have a babysitter when I'm at work, so around 40 hours a week. On weekdays, I probably get to see her for 10 hours the entire week. So, I make every second of those 10 hours count. No phone calls, no email, no internet, nothing but me and her and whatever she wants to do. The rest of the time I'm working like crazy to get everything else done. Like you, it means that I give up on things. My house is not organized. My yard is barely under control. I read and do homework on the train into work. Sometimes meals are just pb&j sandwiches. Luckily, my husband also picks up a lot of slack and does many household chores (dishes, laundry, etc.). It's a constant struggle, and the guilt never really goes away. But I know I'm doing the best I can. Thanks Shannon. You're awesome.

[Chantele Sedgwick]

I adore this post. As a mommy of 4 kids ages 9 months-8, I totally relate. It's hard doing both, but it can be done. I may have to hire some help like you though. I don't get enough done with the little time I have to write. :) You're awesome.

[Zena Parks]

Thank you. This was perfect.

[Kathryn Cooper]

Thank you for inspiring me today Shannon! I have 4 boys: 6 yrs, 4 yrs, 2 yrs, and 13 days old. We moved to a new town 12 days ago. My life is pretty fun and exciting right now, and finding time to write disappeared. I need to write though. I feel lacking when I don't. It might just be for 30 min, but I'm going to try to write 5 days a week. Here I go ... right now! :D

[Tay]

I happened upon a book signing you were doing about two years ago. I had a baby and was still, months into it, waking up with him every two hours. You saw him and asked his age, then told me you had twins his same age. You looked about as tired as I did and I just wanted to hug you and be like "we are surviving, we are not alone!" But instead I said something awkward and stood awkwardly while you signed the books and glanced quickly at the door because it was about time for you're signing to end. Because in my mind that was less awkward. But really, I'm glad you juggle this in a way that satisfies you; that is the hardest thing.

[A. Lynden Rolland]

What a fabulous post! Thank you for this.

[Josi]

Brilliantly said--as a stay at home mom of four a few years ahead of you (19-11) I say amen and amen. There is no secret to getting more hours in the day, it's all about how you use those hours and learning what to say no to (which I'm still learning to do.) I find I have to re-juggle my time about every six months to make it work, we're currently working on the 'summer time hours' situation but it IS working. I have to leave my house to get my writing done, but other than that I agree completely. Well said.

[Heather Davis]

I love that you tell the truth about writing. It is demanding and serious work--not a hobby. It requires your complete attention. And you have to have some serious ovaries to make it a priority along with family. I work full-time, am the primary wage earner, and have a 2-yr old and a 9-yr old with some interesting challenges. My husband is a stay-at-home Dad who works part-time. The funny thing is no one can replace Mommy. So it is a crazy balancing act all the time between work and the house and kids and the writing. But when I'm not working on some kind of writing, I don't feel like myself and am just not as happy. I think it might get a bit easier physically when the kids are older. We'll see. In the end you just have to develop strong work habits and try not to neglect your own well being. And a babysitter can really help!

[Kimberly Mach]

Thank-you! I have spent this last week blinking back tears because the plates are so full right now.(Totally missed father's day and my husband's birthday!) I am a teacher, writer, a mom, and all that comes with it. My family cheers me on, even on "cereal-night" dinners and the "What Fieldtrip?!" mornings. Somehow it always comes together.
What works for me? A husband who is a super-duper dad and partner, kids who are happy and healthy (although probably in need of a good bath), and my quiet time in the morning. Know yourself, morning person or night owl, and write then.

[Danielle]

Thanks for the insight! It's amazing to see how much work goes into writing, and seeing the dedication it requires.

[Tara Creel]

Thank you so much for writing this post. It is inspiring and helpful probably beyond what you had in mind. I have been trying to do it all and now I can tell my husband that Shannon Hale said I don't need to clean my house anymore ;). Challenge accepted: no TV or Internet for a week...and thank you so much!

[Diana]

Thank you so much for this post.
I really need to work on piano this week...will try your experiment. :)

[Laura]

This post is wonderful. I've been thinking about it since the day you posted it. I really appreciate your honesty and the reminder of how much time I actually *do* have.

[Callie the Creative Celt aka Strongbad's Girlfriend]

Thank you for writing this Shannon. I will remember to plan carefully since I hope to one day be a writer and be a mother. There are still many questions to answer and hopefully I can work them out. I will try your experiment sometime (first I need to sort out personal matters in life that REQUIRE online use *sigh*). But I'll remember this. I feel guilty for when I wasted time in my life and spent years doing things that put off my writing dreams. But I will work hard and try my best.

[Christy Nicholson]

Aw, man. You totally called it on the no internet/TV thing. Sigh.....oh, for the strength to let them go!

[Suddenlytheyalldied]

I have four kids almost the exact same ages as yours (my youngest will be 2 in August and the oldest is 10), so this post really resonated with me! I work outside the home and write, and I struggle with balancing it all. I usually write during my lunch breaks, but it never seems like enough. Your experiment sounds like an interesting one - I think I'm going to give it a shot! Internet is my downfall; I find that I'm watching less and less TV the older I get.