EDIT: Judith Torres and Carter M won the auction and raffle for our Book for Every Child charity event. Their prize was to be featured on my blog. And so read on, Gentle Reader...
I first met Judith Torres in the rain. It was coming down like knives, and I couldn't find a cab. I decided to hoof it back to my hotel, not thinking that I'd have to pass straight through Hell's Pantry.
I was locked into my own thoughts as usual, reflecting on the way the reflections of the street lights reflected goldly on the wet pavement, when suddenly I was surrounded. Two guys with clubs in front, a guy with a chain in back, and leaning against the brick wall was a purple-haired girl wearing a t-shirt that read, "I eat hairballs for fun."
I thought, Where's Rapunzel when you need her? and scrambled for my pepper spray in my purse. Too slow. Chain Guy cut the purse strap right off my shoulder. Club 1 slapped his namesake in the palm of his hand, as if practicing for my head.
"My friends are coming behind me," I lied desperately.
"Poor little lady like you," said Hairball Girl. "I doubt you have friends."
"Maybe not," said a voice from above. "But she's got fans!"
We looked up. Standing on a fire escape, fists on her hips, was the notorious Judith Torres. She leaped down, landing on Club 1's back and sending him sprawling.
"You are Shannon Hale, aren't you?" Judith asked, dispatching Club 2 with a roundhouse.
"Uh, yeah," I said.
"Author of Princess Academy?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Oh man, I love that book!" she said, grabbing Chain Guy's chain before it smacked her in the head and yanking hard, pulling him face down into a puddle. "But I was really expecting a sequel."
"Sorry about that."
She did a cartwheel into Hairball's face.
"You could write about how Miri sets up a school on the mountain and visits Britta and gets married."
"Yeah, that's a good idea. Um…ruffians?"
She punched Hairball behind her without looking.
"Just think about it?"
"Sure, absolutely."
We looked around. The ruffians had fled.
"Listen, Hell's Pantry isn't safe for people like you who have soft hands…"
"I have calluses," I muttered.
"Let me walk you back to your hotel."
"Typing calluses…"
But I didn't argue. Good thing. We hadn't gone a block before the alley echoed with the whispery scrapes of a hundred slippered feet.
Just my luck. Ninjas.
By the time I'd wrestled my pepper spray free of my maimed purse, Judith had taken out a dozen black-clad martial arts experts whose evil purposes were shrouded in darkness, just like their underwear. Surely I could be of some help! I stretched out my arm and sprayed. Myself. In my own eyes. With my own pepper spray.
I screeched and fell to the ground, scooping rainwater out of the gutter, trying to stop the stinging. I could hear the fight going on around me and it didn't sound hopeful. Judith was tough, no question. But how could she hope to survive when she was outnumbered 50 to 1?
There was a new sound. A sound like a giant fist smacking fifty heads in a row, kind of like the sound you make running your hand over piano keys. Who was this newcomer? The Hulk? Superman? Edward?
Judith called out gleefully, "It's Carter! Carter M! Why, I thought you were a legend!"
In only moments, I heard the sound of a hundred slippered feet fleeing for their lives and two people engaged in a triumphant high-five. I washed the last of the pepper spray out of my eyes and looked up, expecting to see a colossus of a man in heavy armor, possibly riding a dragon.
An eight-year-old boy gave me a crooked smile and a quick wave.
"Hey," he said.
"How did you do that?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I have skills."
"Indubitably," I said cleverly.
"She's Shannon Hale," Judith whispered.
"Who?" he asked.
"You know, the writer? Princess Academy?"
He raised his eyebrows, stumped. So Judith gave him a quick plot summary.
"Oh yeah," he said. "My mom read me that book. But I think it's called Boys Hit Rocks."
It looked like my publisher's questionable plan to market the book to a male audience had worked after all.
This was not the only adventure Judith Torres, Carter M and I would have together. There would be the coven of urban-dwelling witches, the pack of pirate skateboarders, the warren of grizzled sharks, not to mention the adventures we had after we got back to the hotel.
To this day, whenever I encounter a hive of evil, a pit of nefariousness, or my keys locked in my car, I call on Judith Torres and Carter M. Sometimes they even let me join in the fray! From a safe distance.
For a second I'd forgotten about the auction and was thinking THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE ALIVE. Thank you for increasing my paranoia about my own city.
Posted by: Q | January 24, 2011 at 09:45 PM
At first I was really confused...then I remembered what this was all about and started laughing!
Posted by: megwrites | January 24, 2011 at 10:19 PM
:)
I hope that was a hint about a PA sequel!
Posted by: julia | January 24, 2011 at 10:34 PM
Keep going, Judith Torres and Carter M.! Show Batman how it's really done. All hail!
Posted by: Estara | January 25, 2011 at 04:56 AM
I believe I know the Judy of whom you speak and can concur that she is a force to be reckoned with, not only by street toughs, but as a picture book story teller extraordinaire.
Posted by: DaNae | January 25, 2011 at 06:32 AM
This is awesome! I really needed a good giggle this morning.
Posted by: JenelC | January 25, 2011 at 07:28 AM
That was FREAKIN' awesome! Love it.
And the sequel would rock, but only if you feel it too!
Posted by: Laree @ Ever Heard of Euless | January 25, 2011 at 07:37 AM
I laughed hardest when you sprayed yourself in the eyes. Nice one. :D
Posted by: Ruby Diamond | January 25, 2011 at 07:38 AM
I'd expect nothing less from Shannon Hale.
Posted by: Shannon Morris | January 25, 2011 at 09:05 AM
FUN FUN FUNNY FUN
Posted by: Rebecca Shinnick | January 25, 2011 at 09:44 AM
When Carter M returns home from saving the world--er, I mean when he returns home from second grade--he will be delighted to hear this story.
He likes Boys Hit Rocks almost as much as he likes Book of a Thousand Warriors.
Posted by: Carter M's mom | January 25, 2011 at 12:18 PM
I am Piper and I work at Hastings in Logan, Utah. Hastings sales and rents movies, video games, AND BOOKS. Particularly yours, and we would love to host you over the summer. There are a lot of options, and I would love to hear back from you to see if you are interested in coordinating an event with us.
Hope you're interested,
Piper
Posted by: Piper Blotter | January 25, 2011 at 12:49 PM
Fabulous. This put a much-needed smile on my face!
Posted by: Biel | January 25, 2011 at 02:56 PM
I really liked it. Really good. It made me smile. Funny!! I hope it is a hint for the sequel! :)
Posted by: Alexandra Wood | January 25, 2011 at 03:06 PM
Loved it and by the way I am totally jealous that you have a legit Wikipedia page. That is my goal in life.
Posted by: Anna | January 25, 2011 at 03:26 PM
Fabulous. (Once I figured out what was really going on.)
Posted by: Katie | January 25, 2011 at 03:26 PM
That was hallarious! And might I add amazing! You had me believing it was real right up to the ninjas!
Posted by: sierra | January 25, 2011 at 03:52 PM
Love it! Thanks for this awesome story!
Posted by: Stacey (AKA Aubrey) | January 25, 2011 at 04:06 PM
You are magical!
Posted by: Jena | January 25, 2011 at 04:10 PM
That was fun! :-)
Posted by: Caryn | January 25, 2011 at 04:57 PM
Wow, what an epic struggle! Wish I had powers so I could protect you also. *sigh*
Posted by: Katie-wa | January 25, 2011 at 06:48 PM
So cool! Wonderful writing and storytelling, of course. Makes me want to go on adventures with you, Judith and Carter!
Posted by: Abby Minard | January 25, 2011 at 06:51 PM
Shannon, you are a genious! That was so funny! I think you need to do a series of autobiographical comic adventures.
By the way, happy birthday!
Posted by: Rick Walton | January 25, 2011 at 06:54 PM
Hilarious! I love how both Superman AND Edward got a shout-out. But Carter M was much more effective than either would have been. I also love how you called yourself clever. Because clearly you are.
Posted by: Melissa | January 25, 2011 at 07:00 PM
Oh lol, I was cracking up
Posted by: Rinna-girl | January 25, 2011 at 07:01 PM
Oh man, this is so hilarious... xD
Posted by: Christen | January 25, 2011 at 08:05 PM
This is why... you're my favorite author.
Posted by: Bekah | January 26, 2011 at 02:16 AM
"...a dozen black-clad martial arts experts whose evil purposes were shrouded in darkness, just like their underwear. Surely I could be of some help! I stretched out my arm and sprayed. Myself. In my own eyes. With my own pepper spray."
My very favorite paragraph.^
Hahaha, it made me laugh so hard! xD
Posted by: Kate | January 26, 2011 at 07:43 AM
That was AWESOME.
Posted by: Loni | January 26, 2011 at 08:45 AM
Love this post.... you know, it would be nice if you DID write a sequel. Adventures, LIVE ON!!!
Posted by: yaks | January 26, 2011 at 11:57 AM
Well Shannon, I was planning on taking the humble, modest approach and not telling anyone about saving your life that dark and stormy night in Hell's Pantry, but since you have decided to tell the world, I'd just like to corroborate the whole story.
Thanks for the shout out! It made my day!!!
If you decide to come to Hastings in Logan, let me know, I'll be your body guard.
Posted by: Judith Torres | January 26, 2011 at 09:36 PM
I am so confused. Did I miss something? Can someone tell me what is going on?
Posted by: Amber Powers | January 27, 2011 at 01:26 PM
Right now, Shannon, I am dying laughing. My sides are ACHING!!! You should totally write more stuff like this...
Posted by: gracie | January 27, 2011 at 05:56 PM
i love it!
Posted by: Shaunda Wenger | January 28, 2011 at 04:43 PM
I'm with Amber. I definitely missed something. What was going on?????
Posted by: Gwen | February 02, 2011 at 11:42 AM
That was brilliant!! I laughed until my sides ached. You know, it's a mark of a truly amazing author to be so willing to blind yourself with pepper spray for the sake of a good story.
And for the sake of those fans who missed out on a post a few months ago, Shannon Hale offered to make a blog post describing how her life was saved by the winners of the "A Book for Every Child" raffle.
Posted by: Watson | February 03, 2011 at 09:38 AM
"just like their underwear." hahaha, I'm reading this one to my boys.
Posted by: Robyn | February 10, 2011 at 09:30 AM