squeetus

Squeetus exclusive: Brandon Mull

This week Brandon Mull and his adorable chin dimple have graciously offered to stop by. Brandon is currently on tour for the fourth book in his best selling Fablehaven series, out there being his crazy self, shaking his rock n' roll booty, tearing up the book world. Fablehaven is about a wildlife refuge for magical creatures and the brother and sister who are brought into the secret. It's full of magic, adventure, humor and fun, a big hit for ages ten and up. But let's get a peek at the man behind these runaway hits. (By the way, his initial are BM. Get it? BM. As in...oh, never mind...)

SH: Over just a few short years, your books have achieved the New York Times best seller lists on multiple occasions and earned hordes of fervent fans. You combine energetic fantasy adventure with humor and white-knuckle thrills. But let's not wander off topic...what's your favorite thing about me?

BM: Your sense of humor.  And your graceful prose.  And your husband.  Judging from the question, I’m going to assume you’re cool with me listing more than one favorite.

The Fablehaven books have some quite frightening creatures. Which of your creatures scares you the most? What would you do if you found it in your bedroom? What would your wife do? What would your three-year-old son do?

I’d be pretty scared of the revenant in the second Fablehaven book.  It is a slow, undead creature that radiates paralyzing fear.  So its victims must watch in frozen horror as it gradually approaches to claim them.  If it showed up in my bedroom, I would try to charm it with witty banter.  My wife would totally fold and start screaming.  My three-year-old would punch it.

I attended the release party for Fablehaven 3--you filled an auditorium with people (over 1000 I'd assume). They were screaming for you like a rock star, then waited patiently in line for four hours to get you to sign their book. It's was wild, high energy, fun and completely different. So my question is, where did you find all those fans and how much did you pay them to come?

I didn’t pay them.  Those fans were in attendance thanks to hypnosis and mirrors.  If you looked closely, you would have observed the same stupefied individuals repeated throughout the audience.  And that nearly-full auditorium sat close to 3,000!  I know what you’re thinking…where did I rent so many mirrors?  Sorry, trade secret.  Incidentally, and absolutely unrelated, there will be a similar free super cool launch party with live comedy and fabulous costumes for Fablehaven book 4 on March 24 in the Salt Lake City area.  Fablehaven.com lists the details.

Fablehaven 5 (out in 2010) will complete this series. Come on, give us a peak. Just a tiny peek. Itty bitty...

Book Five will probably be called Keys of the Demon Prison.  Not many people know that yet.  I've started working on it.  I'm excited about the plan I have!

You've published 5 books in three years, travel for weeks every year all over the country, and support a family of five. You're obviously swimming in free time and that breaks my heart, so we here at squeetus want to put you to work. Give us a short story based on one of the following ideas:
Humpty Dumpty as film noir
Little Boy Blue as a disaster film
Little Miss Muffet as a buddy flick
The Ugly Duckling as science fiction

Okay, careful what you ask for, because you might get it.  Here is Humpty Dumpty as film noir:

High atop the wall, a curved lamppost shed a cone of light, the radiance almost tangible in the mist.  Mouth dry, Humpty glanced over his shoulder.  It was a long way down.

Raising his hands slowly, he tried to keep his fingers from quivering.  Muffy held the gun steady, her gaze cold and bemused.  How had it come to this?  Humpty knew what it felt like to have his back to the wall.  But tonight was worse.  Tonight his back was to the void.

A breeze sent eddies of vapor swirling.  Humpty had to keep his cool.  If he made a sudden move, or spoke the wrong words, the king’s men would be scraping yolk off the pavement for weeks.

“Muffy,” he tried.

“It’s Miss Muffet,” she insisted, eyes gleaming.  “Muffy is gone, Mr. Dumpty.”

“I never meant to hurt you.”

Her lips twisted into a bitter smile as a tear slid down her cheek.  “Didn’t mean to?  Wasn’t it enough to break my heart?  Now you’re going to claim there was no meaning behind your betrayal?  What are you, a tornado?  A hurricane?  Can’t you see how much worse that makes it?  Take some responsibility for your behavior!  Have you no spine?”

Attempting a chuckle, Humpty gave a weak shrug.  “I’m an egg.”

“You’re a monster.  Your two-timing days are over, Mr. Dumpty.”

Humpty held out a hand and wiggled his fingers.  “Give me the gun.”

She shook her head.  Another tear fell.  “You’re not going to talk your way out of this one.  Sit down.  Sit down!”

Stealing a glance at the drop behind him, Humpty sat.  He tried to make his voice reasonable, fatherly.  “It doesn’t have to be like this.  Take a deep breath.  Think about what you’re doing.  The king won’t stand for this, Miss Muffet.”

“Here we go!  There’s the Humpty I know!  Hiding behind the king, as usual.  I don’t see any soldiers here tonight, Mr. Dumpty.  It’s just you and me.  And it’s a long way down.”

“Don’t talk crazy.”

She made a sound, half laugh, half sob.  “Bullets don’t care about charm, or connections.  They don’t listen to lies.  When I’m finished here, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men will not be enough to save you.”

She was not bluffing.  He knew her well enough to see that.  This was going to happen.  Humpty broke.  “Muffy, please!”

Finally her smile became genuine.  “That’s right, beg.  That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.  Listen close, Humpty.  That was the sound my heart made when I found you eating curds and whey with her.”

He felt a glimmer of hope.  “So in a way, we’re even.”

“Except for one thing.  I’m in the mood for an omelet.”

A gunshot rang out.  Humpty inhaled the smoky scent of spent gunpowder.  Or was his vest on fire?  Two fingers went to his chest and came away coated with clear fluid.

She fired again and again.  Yolk leaked from half a dozen holes as he tumbled backward off the wall, and plummeted into the mist.

Ha-ha! I knew you'd come through for us! Thanks, Brandon. By the way, you have a darling house and adorable family. I don't know if you knew I stopped by recently...
 

Waistless wonders

Dear Clothing Manufacturers,

There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about: Low rider pants for toddler girls. Really? I mean, really? They're still in diapers. What's the point? To give the world a better view of four inches of white diaper cloth? To accentuate their body's lines? You know that at age 2, a girl doesn't have a waist or hips yet, right? And you understand that without those womanly curves to hold up the lowriders, the pants will ride really low. Thigh low. Ankle low. It's not that I don't enjoy pulling my girl's pants back up every 15 minutes. I mean, I don't have much else to do. It's not like a 2-year-old ever dumps things on the floor or climbs on top of the piano or sprinkles her breakfast on the floor or anything. It's not like pulling her pants back up to her eventual hips every 15 minutes puts a cramp in my routine. Really, I enjoy it. But I just wish you'd put a label on the pants: Warning--This clothing item not actually meant for practical use. Because you see, when clothes shopping for toddlers, we don't actually put them on the little suckers. There's no way to immediately tell how they'll fit. We put our faith in you, the clothing manufacturers, that if you've taken the effort to stitch little flowers around the hems, you've also taken the time to make sure the article will fit an actual human child. One way you could this is by, oh, I don't know, not creating LOW RIDER PANTS FOR TWO-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.

And while we're at it, flower-shaped buttons? And hearts? Diamonds? Shamrocks? Really? See, there was a reason buttons have been round for centuries--it's the easiest shape to put through a slit. No edges to catch, no points to impede the process. Changing that just doesn't make sense. Do you put egg-shaped wheels on your car in celebration of Easter? And heart-wheels for Valentine's Day? Do you? If you want to get fancy with buttons, by all means, go crazy on clothing for yourselves, adults with mature fingers and nothing better to do all day than force odd shapes through tiny holes. But for toddlers? Have you tried buttoning up a shirt on a girl who is running away? Who is kicking you and rolling off the bed and climbing onto the piano? If I see buttons in cute little shapes, they'd better be sitting on top of some snaps, that's all I'm saying.

I hope we can still be friends. I'm a big fan of your work generally. I really like those kid jeans you make with the hidden waist tighteners. Top notch. And hats? Good job with those. So take care, and I hope we never have to have this conversation again.

love,
shannon.

Confusion vs. mystery

Here's a writing question Rebecca emailed me recently: "I am writing my own book and would like your opinion. It is going to be a fantasy romance/adventure. Is it alright for the reader to be confused at one point? Like they don't quite understand what is going on between some characters and their motives. But the reader will find out later."

Good question, Rebecca. This is just my opinion, but, no. Confusion is not good. You do not want your readers to be confused. You know that the ambiguity will be cleared up later, but they don't know that. And you can't expect a reader to put themselves in your hands and keep reading unless they know they can trust you. One way to earn a reader's trust is by not making them confused.

Mystery, on the other hand, is very good. The difference is, the reader is thinking, "I'm not sure what's going to happen or why who did what, but I know I'm going to find out eventually and I'm dying to know!" So they keep turning pages, eager to discover.

The difference between confusion and mystery might seem slight when you're the writer, but when you're the reader, it's a huge difference. Being confused in a book makes us angry--facing a mystery makes us intrigued. I would point to Megan Whalen Turner as a master of this. She withholds information--vital information--from the reader, but I never feel confused or frustrated. Often I don't realize there is a mystery until suddenly she reveals that there had been all along. I don't recommend trying to do what she does--I don't know anyone else that can. But she's a good one to read and analyze.

Also I would ask, what is the reason for creating the confusion? Is it essential that the reader not understand what's going on at a certain point? Or is it inconvenient to have to clear it up? As a general rule, writing is extremely inconvenient. You know you're a real writer when you don't let yourself say, "It's good enough," but instead dig into another rewrite to make it even better. Bravery is doing something of good worth that scares or intimidates you. Let's be the brave writers.

So how to get rid of confusion? For me, I don't worry about it in the first draft. I finish the book then rewrite it again, then I ask someone to read it for me. What I want from that first reader is reader reaction--what they thought when, what they loved, what made them confused. Sometimes I'm too close to the story to see it, so a reader helps me reevaluate what I'm saying. If your reader is confused and you really can't reveal that information yet, there are some tricks to get the reader through the rough patch, such as having a character offer a possible (but incorrect) reason for what's happening.

So finish that first draft, and don't stress about confusion yet. And as you read other books, pay attention to what those writers are doing--when you're confused, when you're intrigued, and how the writer crafted the story to make it work for you. Best of luck!

Cybil-icious

Hooray! Thanks to the children's and YA bloggers of the Cybils who awarded rapunzel's revenge with a big cyber kiss. The judges said, “What made this book stand out to the judges was that it takes a well-known story and does something recognizable, but unique, creating an adventure which readers of both sexes can enjoy. Those readers will get swept up in the rawness of the emotions presented. The art is bright and leaps from the pages, but the images don’t overshadow the story or mask weaknesses in the plot. The story and images carried the weight equally, were well-paced, engaging, and generally solid.”
Nominated by Elizabeth.

Saludos to this mysterious Elizabeth out there somewhere! Thank you, dear.

Here's the complete list of winners:

Easy Readers

I Love My New Toy, by Mo Willems (Should there just be a Mo Willems Award?)

Fantasy & Science Fiction

Middle Grade

The Graveyard Book, by Neil Gaiman (confirming the Newbery committee's excellent choice!)

Young Adult

The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins (Huzzah!)

Fiction Picture Books

How to Heal a Broken Wing, by Bob Graham (must read...)

Graphic Novels

Elementary/Middle Grade

Rapunzel's Revenge, by Shannon Hale and Dean Hale, illustrated by Nathan Hale (no relation)

Young Adult

Emiko Superstar, by Mariko Tamaki, illustrated by Steve Rolston (Oh DC, why did you cancel the MINX line? Why?)

Middle-Grade Fiction

The London Eye Mystery, by Siobhan Dowd (must read...)

Non-Fiction MG/YA

The Year We Disappeared: A Father-Daughter Memoir, by Cylin Busby and John Busby (Cylin also edited the First Kiss, Then Tell anthology that Dean and I contributed to)

Non-Fiction Picture Books

Nic Bishop Frogs, written and illustrated by Nic Bishop (must read...)

Poetry

Honeybee, by Naomi Shihab Nye (must read list getting longer...)

Young Adult Fiction

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, by E Lockhart (how have I not read this yet?)

On behalf of winner Mo Willems, Elephant and Piggie responded:

Jack and Rapunzel had something to say as well (click to view larger):

I've said it before, but the Cybils are my favorite awards (and it's not just because in three years two of my books have won...it's not...really, I'm serious...it's almost not...). They combine literary quality with reader appeal, and come up with an unbeatable reading/shopping list. Really, all the finalists in each category are so fantastic, I don't know how the judges manage to come up with this list. But I'm thrilled to be on it. And seeing The Hunger Games there in the same category book of a thousand days won last year makes me feel tripley honored.

Squeetus exclusive: Janette Rallison

 Janette Rallison is about a cool a lady as you can hope to meet, deliciously fun and kind to boot. She writes funny, clean, delightful teen chick lit. Her latest crosses over into the fantasy realm (come to the dark side, Janette! You cannot resist!). I gobbled up My Fair Godmother in three days (supa-fast for slow poke me) because I just kept wanting to turn those pages. So I hollered down to Arizona, "Hey Janette, will you do a blog interview?" and she said, "I'd love to. Just let me know when so, you know, I can wear my skinny jeans." So here she is, in skinny jeans, the fabulous Janette Rallison.

SH: How much discovery do you do as you write? Did you know the plot for My Fair Godmother from the beginning, or do you discover things along the way and make big changes?

JR: I always think I know the basic plot of my novels before I start them, but then while I’m writing I realize I knew less than I thought.
 
This is the same experience I’ve had with men, parenting, many things really—so it’s not a surprise any more.  Life is learn-as-you-go.
 
When I started My Fair Godmother, I knew what was going to happen for each of Savannah’s wishes.  But when she went back to the Middle Ages to help Tristan, and met the mysterious yet sexy Black Knight, well, all sorts of things changed.  That’s why it’s dangerous to introduce mysterious and sexy Black Knights into your stories and why most authors avoid them.

If you had three wishes with the usual stipulations, and Chrissy was your fairy godmother, what would be your first wish?

  I’d probably wish for a better fairy godmother.  I mean, really, what kind of wish is Chrissy going to get right?  That said, it would be very tempting to wish for a self cleaning house.  Fame and fortune might backfire on you, but what’s the downside of dishes that jump into the dishwasher of their own accord?  I get choked up just thinking about it.

What makes you laugh?

My children.  Teenagers are especially funny.  Luckily I have a large supply of children so I’ll have story ideas for years to come.  I don’t know what I’ll do when they finally all grow up and leave home though.  I’ll probably have to go to the mall and stalk random teenagers, just for book ideas.

I have this wonderful vision of your home, full of shenanigans and giggles and baking cookies. Don't you dare spoil that dream, I don't want to hear about any mundane existential household, but what is the Rallison home like?

I had to think about this question for awhile.  Actually, I do think my children are more apt to joke around and look on the lighter side of things because I do it so frequently.  I was feeling good about this until I asked my twelve year old daughter if she thought our house was different than her friends’ houses.
 
“Definitely,” she told me.  “I do way more jobs than my friends.  And you take me shopping less.  Oh, and my friends have better things to eat at their houses.”
 
Doesn’t that just sound like every other twelve year old in the nation?  So yeah, I guess our house isn’t really all that different.

Probably every book event I do where there are adults present, I'm asked, "How do you write with kids?" The obvious answer, "I don't write with kids--they're too unwieldy. I use a computer." But besides that, how do you do it?

I have a fourteen year span between my oldest and youngest child which means my entire writing career has happened in-between taking care of little kids.  I was actually pregnant with twins when I got my first book contract.
 
You can’t wait for a chunk of time to write a novel, because those chunks of time don’t exist when you have five children.  Before my youngest started kindergarten, my goal was to write two pages before I took a shower and got ready for the day.  Which is why on any given day you could find me in my pajamas at two o’clock in the afternoon.
 
Sometimes it took a long time to write two pages.  And sometimes it didn’t happen at all.  But even if you can only write a few paragraphs a day—and I got good at scribbling things down while waiting at dance classes and soccer games—after enough time you’ve got a whole book written.

Also, don’t ask me how frequently I cleaned my fridge out.  It’s best not to know those things.

Which character did you have the most fun writing about?

 There were so many fun characters in this book, it’s hard to pick just one.  I loved the longsuffering dwarfs who have to put up with an air-head Snow White. I also loved Chrissy, the valley girl fairy godmother with her sometimes brutally true observations about our society.  And of course the Cyclops was fun because he had such a hard time deciding whether to eat the heroine or not.  I think most of us could relate to that predicament.

I have a bookshelf in our family room where I put books I've read that I want to share. My babysitters know where to go for the good stuff. Recently when I came home, our awesome sitter Kayla had found My Fair Godmother and was 50 pages in. She begged to borrow it and brought it back later with rave reviews. "I loved how Janette Ralison brought a teen story to life! For example; the swimming pool scene where her bathing suit top came off, and then she ran into the boys dressing room because she couldn't see! That cracked me up! I could really see someone do that! Plus it brought back a memory where I accidentally walked into the boys bathroom at the movie theaters!
Also my favorite character in the book is Tristan, because he's so cute and full of muscle! He's my hero! My Fair Godmother is amazing!" She had some questions for you.

KAYLA: Did you have to study about the Middle Ages before you wrote My Fair Godmother?

For years I’ve planned to write a historical romance, so I’ve read tons of books on the Middle Ages.  I’m not sure when I’ll ever get that romance done, but luckily I didn’t have to do much new research for My Fair Godmother.  (This is just another example of how procrastination works for me.)

KAYLA: Are you going to write a sequel to the book?

I don’t have one planned at this point, but it is in the back of my mind.  One just has to wonder what Chrissy will do for her next extra-credit fairy godmother assignment.  Someday I might have to set her on some other unsuspecting teenage girl.

Thanks, lady! You are, as always, the life of the party. By the way, I still owe you $2 for tipping that guy who made a balloon Spider-man for Max. I won't forget!

The weiners

Wow. So I said "galley giveaway" and you said, "Bring it!" Consider it brung. I'm going to try and get more ARCs to do more giveaways next month. And now the big reveal. The completely random winners whose numbers were selected by Dean are...

4 -- Katie of bluestocking.org
316 -- Jean who wrote about a Readers Choice book

If Katie and Jean would kindly email me at squeetus (@) gmail (dot) com with your mailing address I'll send you an ARC! Please let me know who you'd like me to sign it to and if you're under 18. Do write back after you've read it and let me know what you thought. And if you feel so inclined to burn the book, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know in advance so we can attend and roast marshmellows.

In the past 4 days, I've heard from two people who have read this book. So exciting! After my week of worry, the response was so delightful I wanted to share.

The first, Cathy from Blue Willow Bookshop in Houston, Texas, wrote: "I got the ARC yesterday at work and, after dinner, got the kids into bed, cleaned the kitchen (sort of), and picked up the ARC, intending to read only a few pages before going to sleep.  "Ha!"  Couldn't put it down and read the entire book in one sitting -- the heck with tomorrow... I kept bursting out laughing, startling my husband, and then began weeping (he kindly passed the kleenex) and then began reading furiously, knowing it was getting late, but having to finish the book. Well, now it's tomorrow and I'm sitting in front of the computer, bleary eyed but happy, thinking about Becky and Felix and Mike and the hairless cat.  Smiling to myself over some of my favorite lines ("We don't eat gravel, Sam.  We are not chickens.") and knowing that this sleep-deprived day was totally worth it."

Wow, thank you, Cathy! That gravel line, I said that to my 18-month-old daughter one day when we were outside, then I rushed inside and wrote it down and later put it in the book. It was so fun to write a contemporary book about another mother so I could share some of my personal experiences with her.

The second response is kind of cheating because it's from my sister Jessica, who has read all my books multiple times. She might be my biggest fan, bless her heart. She told my mom, "Oh my gosh. This is Shannon's best book. I was hooked from the very beginning. Just the emotions...it was so moving, and I was laughing, and then crying, then laughing. I can't stop thinking about it. I love this book."

Wow, thank you, Jessica! Don't let me forget I have that DVD I borrowed from you. Let's rent Ghost Town on Thursday, okay? Also, I don't smell. I don't. So stop accusing me of that. Really, I wear deodorant. And shower and everything. And I took an informal poll and other people don't think I smell. Unless they were being nice.

The Great Galley Giveaway

They're out there...somewhere...

This past weekend I attended a bookseller convention here in Salt Lake City and my awesome publisher gave away dozens of Advance Reading Copies of the actor and the housewife.

 
Cover not final, but probably close. It's exciting! And scary too. What will people think? What will they say? Aaah!

I just finished reading the typeset pages and am so pleased with it. It's exactly the book I want it to be. But what will others think? And when will I hear? When will people read and speak up and declare it a travesty/masterpiece/mildly acceptable way to pass an afternoon? Soon. I think. Very soon. I think.

Please note that this is a book for adults. The same brain that wrote princess academy wrote this one, and I am 100% okay with everything in it. I don't think I'd blush if my 12-year-old daughter read it, though I don't know that she could relate to all the situations and might want to discuss some of the stuff. But some people could be offended by the book--very offended. Extremely offended. Book-burning offended (if only! A good old fashioned book burning is great publicity!). Because of the adult book nature and other minor issues, I will only award the book to someone over the age of 18. If you're under 18, go ahead and enter, but if you win, I'll just need to get an email from your parent/guardian giving the okay and I'll send it to them.

How to win? Comment on this post. In precisely four days, I will count all the comments and have Dean randomly choose a number and that number of commenter will get the ARC! (as soon as I get to a post office. I'm really bad at it.) And since we're on the topic, here's something to comment on--have you ever been really offended by a book? What ticks you off the most? In your opinion, how can an author cross a line and turn off your internal reader? Please keep your comments clean, as you always do, you awesome people.

Squeetus exclusive: M.T. Anderson

 Today I have the honor of hosting M.T. Anderson, fresh off from his latest Printz Honor. Tobin is one of my favorite authors, besides being one of my favorite people. Last summer, we were locked up in a room together for two days to rehearse for a readers theater, along with Linda Sue Park and Eric Rohmann, and if you ever have the opportunity to be locked up with three people, I highly recommend those three. Just make certain you supply Tobin with Coke, not Pepsi (or was it the other way around?). My interiew with Tobin might be lacking in some of the depth and dignity due a National Book Award winner. For a truly fascinating interview with M.T. Anderson, check out Seven Impossible Things.

SH: You've written picture book biographies (Strange Mr. Satie), perhaps the best dystopian novel of all time (Feed), a complex and brilliant historical novel (The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, Parts 1 and 2), rollicking fun middle reader pulp novels (the Whales on Stilts! books), and some other books I haven't read yet so they don't really count but I have on good authority they are equally amazing, though I can't confirm or deny that at present. You jump from genre to genre like a flea at a dog show (you can borrow that simile sometime if you want, no charge, just make sure you mention me in the acknowledgements) and yet you do each one brilliantly, convincingly, perfect. So, what's the deal, Tobin? You got something to prove? Were you bullied as a kid by some smart-mouthed pre-teen genius who threw a ball at your head and said, "I bet you can't go down that slide head-first and survive OR write a dozen different books in different genres and be brilliant at all of them, so there, poo-poo head!" and you've been trying to prove that kid wrong ever since, especially since after you went down the slide head first you did survive but suffered a severe concussion and to this day still see shiny lights in your periphery and occasionally hear Bob Barker whisper in your ear, "Spin the wheel, Tobin. Spin it!" Is that it?

MTA: Can we just forget the slide? Who told you about the slide? I bet it was that jerk, Milt Barrega.

*drops to his knees and cries to the gathering clouds*

MILT BARREGA! CURSE YOU! ... HOW MANY SWISHIES, SWIRLIES, MONKEY BITES, AND CHARLIE HORSES DID I ENDURE AT YOUR HANDS? HOW MANY WEDGIES, SKUNKERS, KNUCKLE SCRUMS, AND MAR-BELLIES? HOW MANY WALLS OF MY HOUSE DID YOU KNOCK DOWN WITH YOUR CATAPULT, YOUR TREBUCHET?

I thought I had moved on. After all, that was some thirty years ago. He was just a snot-nosed kid. And wiped it on me. I thought I could let bygones be bygones. And then I discover that he tells stories like this to you; that is my bank manager, that he eats at my favorite restaurant, that he sends weird cakes to my wife.

MILT BARREGA! I SHALL SEEK YOU OUT TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH... AND WHEN I CATCH UP TO YOU, AND I SEND YOU HEAD-FIRST SLITHERING DOWN A SLIDE, YOU'LL FIND THE LANDING AIN'T SO SOFT WHERE YOU'RE GOING ... AND THAT IT'S REALLY HOT THERE! At the bottom of the slide! Which I'm sending you down!

And there are devils there. And brimstone and criminals.

I mean, what I'm trying to say is the slide goes down to the Bad Place. Like, that's the joke.

Sorry. Sorry, Milt. I didn't mean it.

Whales on Stilts! is a middle reader book, a parody of (or homage to) the old pulp novels, a great pick for reluctant readers, and uproariously funny. It moves fast and easy, but doesn't skimp on the quality writing. Just listen to this passage: "She, Lily, and Jasper pulled away from all the people who wanted to hear their story, and they stepped over to the railing to watch the sun set over the sea. Around them the potted ferns waved and the seagulls cried. The clouds turned a rich, rumbling kind of red as the sun disappeared. The sky stretched peach above their heads. The wind blew at them." Simple, elegant, evocative. Any writer would gladly offer up various body parts to write like that. So my question is, if I had a potluck BBQ, what dish would you bring?

2. I only know one recipe. Cereal.

Normally, the recipe for cereal is:

INGREDIENTS

cereal

milk

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Pour cereal into bowl

2. Pour milk over cereal (to taste)

But I'm lactose intolerant. So my recipe for cereal is a special one for lactose intolerant people.

INGREDIENTS

Cereal

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Eat cereal.

I'm the life of the party!

Follow up question: Are you free on Saturday?

For you, Shannon, I'm free any time. Wouldn't that be fun, if we could all get together for a BBQ?

PS. Do you prefer Quisp or Count Chocula?

Which Jasper Dash, Boy Technonaut, invention would you most like to own and use at will?

Definitely the flying restaurant. I love it there. I would get them to put waffle fries on the menu, and fried zucchini with Russian dressing, and boneless Buffalo fingers. And then they could have a robotic cheesecake dessert cart, with specialty cheese cakes.

 But WAIT A SECOND, I'm lactose intolerant. So I'd be reduced to just staring at the robotic dessert cart longingly.

Even in my own daydreams, I'm frustrated.

You were recently photographed about town:

Clearly this is an original picture and your head was not cut out and put on someone else's body by my husband with mad PhotoShop skills. Ahem. Now besides the fact that you seemed to have gained fifty or sixty pounds since I saw in you June, I'm curious about the shirt. I guess it speaks for itself, but care to elaborate? (Also, is that a gold bracelet you're wearing?)

Wow, that's some photo. By "greatness," I apparently mean, "my great love of baked goods."

Because you're sweet, like them!

Awwwww....

Stop it, I'm blushing! So you see why I vote M.T. Anderson for our favorite literary guy. Don't you want to take him home with you to smile and say witty things and explain string theory and Ulysses? Easy, ladies, he's taken..