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Writing and Mothering: How I (sort of) Do Both At some point in the young and hopeful stage of my writing career, I realized that two things rarely went together—successful writer and successful mother. Oh, there are plenty of father writers, successful in at least one of those trades, but many of the great literary women I could think of, and most of my women writing professors, did not have children. I read a quote by Jamaica Kincaid saying that she could not have produced her earlier works if she’d had children at the time. The thought frightened me. There was nothing in this world I wanted as passionately as having a family and being able to write books, and I feared that the two just could not go together. Happily, I was wrong! Let me confess that I am by no means an expert at this subject. At this writing, I have one child, age 15 months. I’ve met fabulous women who somehow mother 6 children and create great works of fiction, and I’m tiny and shivering in their shadows. But quite often I get the question: How do you write and be a mother? So here are my thoughts. I got a head start. Obviously, this tactic won’t help everyone. I know many women who did not start to write until their littlest one was in school, but in my case, I was quite lucky to figure out at a young age that I had to be a writer. By the time I got married, I had received an MFA in Creative Writing and been in the habit of writing every day (except I take Sundays off). Habits are powerful and much easier to form, I’ve noticed, when I have leisure time. When my first child was born, the goose girl had been published, and the week before I’d sent my final draft of enna burning to my editor. I make and meet goals. I really know of no better way for any writer to finish a book, with or without children. In a mother’s case, it’s a non-negotiable. My goals change. Before Max, it was 1500 words/day, when he was a newborn, it was 800/day, and now it’s 1000/day. I find a goal that is challenging but possible, and I keep it. If I don’t make my daily goal, I stay up at night writing, and if I simply can’t do it one day, I make it up on Saturday. I don’t think I’ve missed a weekly goal in a couple of years. It’s like dieting—the first time you cheat, it’s that much harder the next time you see a Snickers. My writing time is sacred time. Not everyone understands this one. I know I’ve come across as uncooperative to many folks as I turn down lunch invites and requests for author visits, but I have to be so firm with myself. Max’s naptime is my writing time. I turn off the phone (repeat: I turn off the phone, non-negotiable), I resist responding to emails or exploring websites or playing mind-numbing rounds of computer solitaire (Vegas game rules). I don’t even eat, often getting around to lunch at 4 pm. This is not especially healthy, I know, but those 2-3 hours are my writing time. If I didn’t set aside a certain time every day and stick with it, I’d probably be well fed, but my books would be starving. I make Max my world. There are days when I have to leave Max with a sitter to go do author visits or even go out of town, so I make sure that my mornings and afternoons alone with my boy are wonderful fun. We play hard, we talk and read books, putter around, go outside, visit dogs. It makes it easier to have my writer times when I feel confident I am devoting myself the rest of the time to my family. I accept the fact that my house will never be clean. OK, really I should say, I plan on accepting that fact any day now. I wish my carpets were vacuumed weekly, that I had a meal plan and didn’t panic when 6 pm rolls around and the kitchen is stone cold. Our backyard is literally a back yard, and I still can’t manage to keep it weed free and full of happy plants. Really, you’d be shocked. And don’t look under my bed. But my priorities are: Max’s needs, husband time, writing, feeding self, sleep, bathing self, church volunteer responsibilities, paying bills…housework comes somewhere down here, maybe after Essential Grooming. I know I need to write. It’s easy to feel guilty as a mother. There are endless demands on us, particularly as the number of children grow and as they grow up and are expected to be taking piano lessons, dance lessons, nuclear physics lessons. Children need their mothers to read to them, do homework, listen, anticipate disaster and chop of its head. But I also know that Max will always need a mostly sane mother, a happy mother, a mother to be proud of. And I know that when I’m not writing, I’m not happy, and the unwritten stories start to haunt me and tug on my sleeves and demand words on a page, and I cease to be the functioning kind of sane and start swatting at invisible characters. Mamas need our creative output, too. My finger painting is books. UPDATE: November 2007 Before I begin, let me acknowledge that there are superstar moms who have nine children and still write, so I know I'm not particularly harried. But I have reached that new stage, that more awkward stage, where there is more than one child and one never naps. How do I keep writing? When do I find the time? Here's the truth: there's always time. It is not easy. If you wanted a nice easy hobby, you wouldn't have picked writing books. You'd be knitting scarves or raising an orchid. You want to write books because you must, because those stories and characters and words won't leave you alone. So you will find the time. Here's some more thoughts on how I've adapted to my new situation: I mostly fail. It feels like that most days. And I have to let myself be okay with it. My output is significantly decreased, my wordcount goals very tiny. But I am first a mother and second a writer. And I love being a mother of small children. Life is very, very good. Times and seasons for everything, my mother-in-law reminds me. Times and seasons. I try to know my limits. I'm not going to keep up a book a year. I can't do as many book tours, I can't answer email and do local school visits and book clubs. I can't make homemade Halloween costumes or keep my scrapbook up to date. I can only be a mother and write a little on the side, and occasionally take a shower. I get my 15 minutes a day. Everyone can make this a reality. Fifteen minutes. That's reachable. And sometimes opportunity allows for more. Sometimes the baby is napping and my toddler will sit still and play by himself while I write for 45 minutes. And sometimes he sits beside me and holds down the spacebar. Ah, helpful, helpful lad. You win some, you lose some. And it's okay. I use my brain. Whenever I have some space for thought, I've trained my brain to return to the story. Showers are particularly productive. Driving. Folding laundry. I can keep writing even when I don't have time to sit at my computer because my brain keeps working on the story. This, for me, is absolutely essential. I could not be a writer if I didn't allow (and insist upon) daydreaming about the stories. Keep notes! You get an idea for a line, a scene, a character, and you think you'll remember. You won't. I have to make myself to write it down. Sometimes they're bad ideas, many I'll never use, but I write them all down. Keeping a notepad in my purse (aka diaper bag) and by my bed really helps. This helps me focus on my kids more, because once I write the idea down, I know it's safe, and I can let my attention leave worrying about it and return to them. I keep reading. I know so many people who give up reading once they start writing, but I find reading good books (besides being a blast) inspires the same part of my brain where I create stories and sentences. I really believe being a reading writer will make you a better and more productive writing writing. I take advantage of what I can now and not try to wait for a mythical era of free time. Megan Whalen Turner, fabulous writer and mother of school age children, recently told me, "a number of people warned me that I shouldn't expect to get any real work done until my youngest child was in school full time. But, I didn't find small children any impediment to writing. I hired a babysitter (several great ones, actually, thank you Trisha Falvey, thank you Nancy Schaffstall!) and wrote The Thief and The Queen of Attolia. It wasn't that hard to find someone to feed babies, change babies and take babies to the park. Then they grew up and went to school. You can't pay someone else to go on field trips for you, or help them with their homework. Never mind that when you hire a babysitter you get to set the schedule and hire them when it is convenient for you. The elementary school is just not as accommodating. So write, quick! Quick!" The truth is, if I wasn't a mother, I could get so much more done. For one thing, I could say yes to all the local school visits and book clubs and signing requests I get. I could tour the country more, doing 20-city tours instead of 4-city tours. I'd sell a lot more books. I'd make more money, have a wider fan base...and I wouldn't have my amazing little sweethearts. Sheesh. Not even worth it. I'm so so so happy to be a mother, so honored to have these little people in my family. Whatever your passion is, you can see it through and still be a mother. Somehow. Bit by bit. And all the rest of us working mothers, creative mothers, fitting-it-in mothers will be hooting for you and shouting, "You rock." Return to On Writing |